Application Letter to Donald Trump

In the not too distant future, Donald Trump may be returning to business from campaigning. For you up and coming executives, here's a possible letter of application to work for him. Feel free to copy and modify as necessary.

Dear Mr. Trump,

You don't know me, but I'm a terrific candidate for any executive position in your business. I know you must have hundreds of applicants for such positions but you should choose me. I know people who are applying to you and I love these guys (and women--who can be fantastic executives, most of the time) but let me tell you, they are losers. Don't hire them; hire me. I'm a winner.

First, let me give you my qualifications. I'm really smart. I went to university and graduated. I never got caught cheating or plagiarizing. I'm just sick of hearing about losers who are getting into trouble. We never win any more. I will change that. I will show your loser competitors how great Trump is. You won't believe what a good job I'll do for you. You'll make so much money from me that you won't know what to do with it. You have gold plated toilets on your plane now? You'll have gold-foil toilet paper when I work for you. You'll have gold plates that you throw in the trash instead of washing them when I work for you. Illegal immigrants will be going through your trash and taking it home to their countries--solving both the illegal immigrant problem and the trash disposal problem--when I work for you.

I have a fabulous resume. It's so fabulous that you don't want to read it. Let me tell you the highlights. I know how to buy and sell stuff. I've bought and sold lots of stuff. I've used cash and credit cards, barter and cheques. I know that, in principle, one should buy low and sell high. But the market rules. I love the market. It's fantastic. Winners understand the market. Like you. And I'm a winner, which is why you should hire me.

I know how to use the legal system to avoid consequences. Criminal, civil, bankruptcy...you name it, I know some terrific lawyers who can fix problems. People who get convictions are losers! Nothing has ever been proven against me. I'm a winner. They say winners should stick together. That's why I should be working for you.

We both know that this Presidential thing is going to get old for you pretty soon. You are going to want to exit the campaign as a winner, but before one of the primary or caucus states supports one of your loser opponents. I can help you put together an exit strategy that maintains your position as a winner. How about this: "Politics are for losers!" That could be your exit slogan. Or "I made American great again just by campaigning for six months!" Job done! You can get back to what you do best: firing losers!

It's important to plan in advance. No one wants to hear that you were drunk in a Des Moines bar after the Iowa caucuses mumbling racial epithets at Ben Carson (How do we even know he was born in the US? Has anyone seen his birth certificate? I can't hear a freaking thing he says!). No you won't be doing that. That's what a loser would do. And you're a winner. Hire me. I'm a winner, too. I will make Trump great again!

Sincerely,

 YOUR NAME HERE